It seems that the coastertoasting world has been rocked by the recent resurgence of that illusory mystique that one colloquially refers to as “love”. This Valentine’s Day, 2009, was a barren day for Coastertoast.com, seeing the least amount of activity that the site has known since its inception. This could mean one of two things. The first is that the quality of Coastertoast.com has diminished, which *ahem* is simply not the case. You want a way to slough the struggling suitor, and we provide you with the means. The deed is done swiftly and, for most parties involved, painlessly.

The first option is obviously fallow, therefore I must implicate the following horrifying hypothesis:

Instead of dismissing impotent courtiers and deriding the fallacious followers of cupid, you people spent this past Valentine’s Day falling in love! That’s right! You gave them your real email address! To further your humiliation, you included your number too, didn’t you?!? Oh, for shame. Did he or she write? Did that sallow temptress or insufferable seigneur bother to call the digits you so carefully made as legible as possible in your drunken stupor? Of course not. And now all the sardonic satire that could have been is lost and gone forever. Lost in time, like tears…in rain.

Do the smart thing next year. Make it a coastertoasted Valentine’s Day.

If you’ve been keeping up with current Coastertoast.com events, it should be no suprise to you that I am over here at the Coastertoast HQ flipping my biscuits over a strange pheonomina wherein Coastertoast.com’s top ranked search term is “Amputee Pussy“.

I obsess over these things. Every time one of you fine people click a link I am on that shit like a hawk. Alabama says I should chill out and watch some Battlestar with her but I am more interested in who’s actually partaking in our unique purvaience than who’s actualy a goddamned Cylon.

So, imagine my suprise when the reign of the now infamous Amputee Pussy search prolification was broken in half by a new search term on the block. 

He’s rough, he’s tough, he makes search terms like “Email Rejection Service”, and “I am a Hateful Person” shake in their boots. Ladies and gentlemen I am proud to present to you our new top search term:

Amputee Pussy Clips

I give up.

Award yourself 10 points for name recognition, -466 for being a complete beanbag.

In other riviting statistical news, the sordid amputee pussy has been outranked by the decidedly less cringe inducing amputee. This is a bit of a shock, really, because if you actually search for amputee pussy, coastertoast.com is, like, seventh.

I suppose that makes sense. Or something. No – no it doesn’t.

Our top google search term: “Amputee Pussy”

Just what the hell are you people doing? I mean… Look, man. Amputee Pussy? Really?

I know why we come up in the search, sure, but…

You have stricken me speechless. I am dumbfounded. Someone gets up, sits at his computer and does a google search for Amputee Pussy? And isn’t immediately arrested?

I don’t have anything against amputees – I hang with stubbies. Some of my best friends are limbless hulks. But I don’t consider their nubs a fetishistic device.

Why can’t you people stick to something normal in their google searches, like “Orange Julius Porn“.

[If I say Amputee Pussy again, do you think our search ranking will get better?]

We, until now, felt that the service was raw enough in it’s responsive state, posting only those emails from you bucketheads that whine about how hurt you are to a robot. This changes today, however.

The discussion went like this: 

Clarence: Fuck ‘em. They keep sending goddamned test emails to the service. Some of them have phone numbers, addresses, blood types, you fucking name it!

Alabama: Listen, baby, you can’t do that. It’s just not right. You’re not being fair.

Clarence: What? It’s THOSE grab-ass pieces of donkey-doo that keep sending “test” and “asdf” to our service along with their ridiculously formatted business signatures! I think that the only…

Alabama: Clarence. Post them all. Just post everything we get.

Clarence: Anything you say, ‘Bama. You really do taste like a peach.

Alabama: You’re so cool.

So – there’s a new category over there to your right. It is called “Pick-Ups” and it will likely contain some shit that will make you laugh milk out of your nose. Even if you aren’t drinking milk. 

Keep your eyes peeled like potatoes.

How about this for starters: Coastertoast, now getting a bit popular, is grabbing up totally legit sounding domain names to tie into our network of heart-crushery. Soon enough you will be able to use any number of domains to plug a poor guy/gal right in the soul for daring to think he/she could step to the likes of you.

And you know what else? Custom rejection emails per domain. Yep. I said it.

Really, I did.

We here at the Coastertoast HQ have this big plasma screen right in the middle of the place that shows us every single one of the ass-handed emails that go through the system. Some are pleading confessions of love, some are backhanded requests to never speak again and some are nice, enticing flamebait from bucket-heads I just know are going to turn to jack and razors on receipt of their very own Coastertoast blast-to-the-face.

Some, however, really piss me off.

I am speaking directly to you, dude/lady who sends “test” to our service with your own fucking email address.

You don’t need to test the service. It fucking works. If you want the email contents, there’s a page for that here, shitstain.

As an act of frustration, I am going to post your email addresses, all of you who feel the need to test our services on yourselves. I’ll make a special category just for you.

Deal? I don’t give a shit. Deal.