Howdy again buddy,

How’s it going?

I heard you had fun last night on at the party.

Wanna catch up later?

If overpopulation is ever a true detriment to the progress of the planet, and the time comes to do away with the useless people, I will put forth the following recommendation to whatever high court of decimation there might be.

The person in question is possibly obsolete if the first of the following statements is true, and most certainly obsolete if both of the following statements are true:

1. He or she uses a Bob Dylan lyric as a signature.

2. He or she misquotes said lyric.

Hey Sexii,

How’s you doing?

What’s up?

Thanks for last night babe.

xxxxxxxxxx

teat

Date: Sun, Feb 22, 2009 at 3:43 AM
Subject: Planetary Grid Transmissions ~ New Moon Wednesday
To: fred@coastertoast.com

This new moon, unite with us on the Crystalline Grid to empower your own focus of light during these times of accelerating evolutionary shift. The Crystalline Grid is the New Earth bridging structure and greatly supports, amplifies and transmits our pure heart intention across the pathways of light into all areas of the world. 

[Teams include:]

The New Earth in the Fifth Dimension

Star Nations ~ Starseed Group

 Light Body Activation Team

 The Laughing Rainbow Mystery School

 Devic Kingdom Crystal Workers United

During the lunar grid transmissions, pure human intentionality is combined with a highly advanced, crystalline energy system which surrounds the entire planet. Referred to as the Crystalline Grid, this new earth structure serves as the transitory bridge between consciousness paradigms. 

Nothing like a good cult to make you re-evaluate your own religious choices (or lack thereof), and then give yourself a hearty congratulatory pat on the back for not being as whacked out as these poor saps. This email was mind bogglingly new-agey, representing the crazies in the group when hippies officially splintered off. The email tries to generate a sliver of creditability through the use of capitalization in such phrases as “New Earth Energy” or “intentional Collective Consciousness Unified Field”. Are you kidding me?

Actually, I am glad that they specified exactly what kind of Collective Consciousness Unified Field in that last case, because one could easily mistake what they are referring to as the unintentional CCUF. Or the combustible CCUF. More than just a misunderstanding is at stake here… we’re talking about life or death.

Just wanted to say hi and see what’s up.

The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps. You must step up the stairs.

The weak come-on must be followed by the coastertoast. It is not enough to turn the jerk down. You must break his heart into itty bitty pieces, and chew on them, but not swallow, then breath in through the mouth to fully appreciate the flavor of despair before spitting it out. 

just checking to see how you doing? hit me up.

The ‘toast email address sells this. This dude was out like a shot. I don’t know what lead to this, but bro’ got out of that butt-quick and this poor divotchka was left with a sneeringly obvious Coastertoast email addy and maybe an exciting case of the panty crickets.

Mmmmh… panty crickets…

Ash Wednesday is feb 25

Thanks, man. We’d forgotten. Well, that’s a lie – I never really knew that little piece of cultural flotsam.

It’s not cultural flotsam, you say? You should see yourself walking around with that shit on your face. 

Flot-sam.

fred,

You recently listened to an audio on my web site.  Thanks
for requesting the additional information.

John Paul Aguiar
5089711157

I have crossed a line here. I posted not only an email address from a legit, non tester, source, but also a phone number. I do not do this lightly and command my army of interdweeb web denezins to rain hell on this scam artist.

He runs MyGoldenPlan.com, an “automated lead capture system” which trouts about the intertron sniffing out emails and spamming the living shit out of people, or selling email addresses to third parties who are far more efficient at spamming the living shit out of people.

This irks me, because we have been accused of being spammers ourselves. This is not the case. We provide a tool for responsible use, and don’t want to sell you anything at all. Our emails are for entertainment purposes (and sometimes to break the soul of that uni-brow who tried to grab your butt at the club last night) and solicit nothing but pain, anguish and occasional bouts of laughter.

So, Fuck You, Jean Paul, and your “six figure” pyramid scheme.

Oh, also, big ups to “Fred Rogers” from way back. Never give up your real name. It probably sucks.

Yep, that’s it. This shit is like archaeology, though. Dig around in there with that free toothbrush you got the last time you went to the dentist. In the 80s. 

Personally, I think this is an amazing little email. It tells the story of crossed lines, social misadventure in the subtlest of ways. You see, “Fred Rogers” – not the dead neighborhood guy but the ass-handle who used his name to toast someone – gave this j-bag this ‘toast email address thinking he was being hit on or otherwise emotionally panhandled to but was thrown a reversal when the only thing sent to his fake-assed email address was a resounding negative.

You see it now, don’t you? Like Uroburos… like a dog swallogin it’s own stomach. This is social commentary at it’s most raw and hard hitting.

It’s also a slow news day. Die in the nearest fire.