Coastertoast.com » Pick-Ups

The Greatest Trick the Devil Ever Pulled.

Clarence — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 02:42:51 +0000

Date: Mon, Jan 12, 2009 at 4:13 PM
Subject: hello
To: poof_gone@coastertoast.com

just checking to see how you doing? hit me up.

The ‘toast email address sells this. This dude was out like a shot. I don’t know what lead to this, but bro’ got out of that butt-quick and this poor divotchka was left with a sneeringly obvious Coastertoast email addy and maybe an exciting case of the panty crickets.

Mmmmh… panty crickets…

Informative.

Clarence — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 09:25:08 +0000

Date: Mon, Jan 12, 2009 at 4:02 PM
Subject: ash wednesday
To: eddie@coastertoast.com

Ash Wednesday is feb 25

Thanks, man. We’d forgotten. Well, that’s a lie – I never really knew that little piece of cultural flotsam.

It’s not cultural flotsam, you say? You should see yourself walking around with that shit on your face.

Flot-sam.

Six Figure Income is so 90s

Clarence — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 09:15:15 +0000

Date: Sun, Jan 18, 2009 at 12:52 AM
Subject: Audio and information
To: fredrogers@coastertoast.com
From: John Paul Aguiar <sixfiguresman@aol.com>

fred,

You recently listened to an audio on my web site. Thanks
for requesting the additional information.

fred, you’re in a good position if you are looking
for a way to generate real results for you and your family.

There really ARE people that use spare time and positive
energy to create personal freedom.

Full time or part time – This is simple and no selling
is involved.

I’ll attempt to reach you at the time you requested or you
can always call me at the number below.

I look forward to talking with you,

John Paul Aguiar
5089711157

I have crossed a line here. I posted not only an email address from a legit, non tester, source, but also a phone number. I do not do this lightly and command my army of interdweeb web denezins to rain hell on this scam artist.

He runs MyGoldenPlan.com, an “automated lead capture system” which trouts about the intertron sniffing out emails and spamming the living shit out of people, or selling email addresses to third parties who are far more efficient at spamming the living shit out of people.

This irks me, because we have been accused of being spammers ourselves. This is not the case. We provide a tool for responsible use, and don’t want to sell you anything at all. Our emails are for entertainment purposes (and sometimes to break the soul of that uni-brow who tried to grab your butt at the club last night) and solicit nothing but pain, anguish and occasional bouts of laughter.

So, Fuck You, Jean Paul, and your “six figure” pyramid scheme.

Oh, also, big ups to “Fred Rogers” from way back. Never give up your real name. It probably sucks.

Boo, Wahh, etc.

Clarence — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 01:00:29 +0000

Date: Thu, Jan 8, 2009 at 6:12 PM
Subject: What!!
To: l0rdp0ng@coastertoast.com

What happened? I am sorry that you decided to leave the forum. Contrary to your belief, you made a difference in the boards. Yes, there are a lot of idiots usually male usually in the low teens. At 60, I have learned to tune them out and on occasion I have to clip their wings. They for the most part have a Dare as a result of over indulgent parents and are on the forum spouting off their lack of knowledge.

Please reconsider. Both [redacted] and I are shocked that you left. You are wanted and needed on the forum. We cannot surrender to the idiots.

[redacted]

Admin LG-Dare.com

This dude is 60 and he trolls a message board full of pre-teen boys with what is, from what I gather, an iPhone for total losers and he is begging another dude to come back. I am stunned. Really.

I love the line about how this geezer “clips” the “wings” of the younger forum members when they, presumably, get out of line. He talks about his phone like he owns launch codes to a goddamend Titan missile! It’s a phone.

I suspect by “clip” he means “sniff vigerously”, and by “wings” he means “asses”. I suspect this because he spends his time trolling a cell-phone forum filled with little kids.

I especially like the bit about not surrendering to the idiots. The’s like telling water not to get wet.

Big ups to the dude who hopped on to this forum-for-dummies, dropped a bunch of bombs and left them with a fake email address, though. There’s wit in there.

Clip my wings, bitch. Clip my wings.

A Funny Thing Happened…

Clarence — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 23:32:03 +0000

Date: Thu, Jan 8, 2009 at 3:49 PM
Subject: What Happened?
To: l0rdp0ng@coastertoast.com

Hey there LP, this is [redacted] from the forum.

I just saw your post in the OT…what happened between when we last talked, and when you posted that thread?

It sounds like somebody said something that really upset you…. I can assure you that your posts are not irrelevant.

If you can, I would like to know what caused you to make this decision, and I assure you that proper actions will be taken.

Your decision to leave the forum is entirely up to you, and I can’t influence you to come back, but know that you are always welcome back, and if I can help make that happen, I will do everything in my power to do so.

And as for the password thing, if you choose to come back, I can make you a new password.

-[redacted]

This guy is that fat forum mod most people doesn’t know exists. He takes this Internet thing REALLY seriously. No joke. Some loser pitches a fit on his forum and he’s all over it.

In real life I bet he has difficulty ordering fries. Then again, the forum in question is one of those “I really love my POS soon-to-be-inferior mobile phone” forums for douche bags who can’t afford a car to talk about in the “I really love my POS rice burner with the wing stapled to the back” forums, so maybe he just calls for fries.

Cookies!

Clarence — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 23:23:50 +0000

Date: Tue, Nov 18, 2008 at 6:43 PM

Subject: Hello sexy
To: coolbananas@coastertoast.com

I baked you cookies – they’re in my pants.

Maybe if you want to meet up anytime soon, we can have a tea party…
;)

I have no idea what the implication is here. Are the tea party and the cookies related? Is it that the tea party is going to take place in the pants in question? Did the cookies get baked while actually IN the pants? So many questions.

One thing’s for certain: This chick made cookies for someone she just met. I hope they didn’t go to waste. I fucking LOVE cookies.