Hit upon by the undesirable? Sick of letting creeps off easy just because you don�t want a drink in the face? Looking for a fun and convenient way to break the hearts of pathetic masses? Look no further, kindred spirit, for we have the solution for you: the coastertoast!
Date: Mon, Jan 12, 2009 at 4:02 PM
Subject: ash wednesday
To: eddie@coastertoast.com
Ash Wednesday is feb 25
Thanks, man. We’d forgotten. Well, that’s a lie – I never really knew that little piece of cultural flotsam.
It’s not cultural flotsam, you say? You should see yourself walking around with that shit on your face.
Flot-sam.
Posted in Pick-Ups | No Comments »
Date: Sun, Jan 18, 2009 at 12:52 AM
Subject: Audio and information
To: fredrogers@coastertoast.com
From: John Paul Aguiar <sixfiguresman@aol.com>
fred,
You recently listened to an audio on my web site. Thanks
for requesting the additional information.
fred, you’re in a good position if you are looking
for a way to generate real results for you and your family.
There really ARE people that use spare time and positive
energy to create personal freedom.
Full time or part time – This is simple and no selling
is involved.
I’ll attempt to reach you at the time you requested or you
can always call me at the number below.
I look forward to talking with you,
John Paul Aguiar
5089711157
I have crossed a line here. I posted not only an email address from a legit, non tester, source, but also a phone number. I do not do this lightly and command my army of interdweeb web denezins to rain hell on this scam artist.
He runs MyGoldenPlan.com, an “automated lead capture system” which trouts about the intertron sniffing out emails and spamming the living shit out of people, or selling email addresses to third parties who are far more efficient at spamming the living shit out of people.
This irks me, because we have been accused of being spammers ourselves. This is not the case. We provide a tool for responsible use, and don’t want to sell you anything at all. Our emails are for entertainment purposes (and sometimes to break the soul of that uni-brow who tried to grab your butt at the club last night) and solicit nothing but pain, anguish and occasional bouts of laughter.
So, Fuck You, Jean Paul, and your “six figure” pyramid scheme.
Oh, also, big ups to “Fred Rogers” from way back. Never give up your real name. It probably sucks.
Posted in Pick-Ups | No Comments »
Date: Mon, Jan 19, 2009 at 10:05 PM
Subject: No
To: fredrogers@coastertoast.com
Yep, that’s it. This shit is like archaeology, though. Dig around in there with that free toothbrush you got the last time you went to the dentist. In the 80s.
Personally, I think this is an amazing little email. It tells the story of crossed lines, social misadventure in the subtlest of ways. You see, “Fred Rogers” – not the dead neighborhood guy but the ass-handle who used his name to toast someone – gave this j-bag this ‘toast email address thinking he was being hit on or otherwise emotionally panhandled to but was thrown a reversal when the only thing sent to his fake-assed email address was a resounding negative.
You see it now, don’t you? Like Uroburos… like a dog swallogin it’s own stomach. This is social commentary at it’s most raw and hard hitting.
It’s also a slow news day. Die in the nearest fire.
Posted in Cocks Blocked | 1 Comment »
Date: Mon, Nov 19, 2008 at 10:41 AM
Subject: (no subject)
To: removeme@coastertoast.com
cheers,
DSR, lost in webmail hell
–
Quid quid latine dictum sit, altum videtur.
I am impressed. I envision a situation in which good old DSR spooged himself over some sorority zip-up, she gave him a taste of the old ‘toast and he was embarrassed to the point of requesting we remove him from the eternal list of shame he will interminably be a high-liner on.
No, DSR. We will not remove you. In fact, we can’t remove you. You see, this list you think you’re on… it’s god’s list of people who fill out the bell curve, if you know what I mean. You’ll have to take this one up with man-on-pike yourself.
Oh, one last small niggle: “Quid quid latine dictum sit, altum videtur“, which you think means “Anything said in Latin sounds profound“, actually doesn’t.
It’s “Quidquid“, son.
I will civilize this land.
Posted in Cocks Blocked | No Comments »
Looks like the word is getting out! Today’s most popular search term is coastertoast.com, which is really cool because it shows me that people are going to the googles with the right intention but perhaps a bit of the wrong direction. You know, because you can just type coastertoast.com into your address bar to get here.
Award yourself 10 points for name recognition, -466 for being a complete beanbag.
In other riviting statistical news, the sordid amputee pussy has been outranked by the decidedly less cringe inducing amputee. This is a bit of a shock, really, because if you actually search for amputee pussy, coastertoast.com is, like, seventh.
I suppose that makes sense. Or something. No – no it doesn’t.
Posted in Site News | No Comments »
And the prize for “first douche to test the system after I threatened to show the whole intarw3bx0rz his/her shit” award goes to Tahiry Andriamananjara who sent an email with the subject of “test” and a whole two dashes for the body. This is likely because all of the other letters were already used in the construction of that ridiculous name.
Congradulations, Tahiry! You get an all expenses paid trip to spam town!
You can reach Tahiry at: tahirisoa@gmail.com
Be gentle with this one, guys – it’s our first.
Posted in Beta Testers | 1 Comment »
Ok. I am stunned right now. I’m over here going over our ridiculous site statistics, trying to figure out just what I’m supposed to do with all of this damned web traffic and you know what I notice?
Our top google search term: “Amputee Pussy”
Just what the hell are you people doing? I mean… Look, man. Amputee Pussy? Really?
I know why we come up in the search, sure, but…
You have stricken me speechless. I am dumbfounded. Someone gets up, sits at his computer and does a google search for Amputee Pussy? And isn’t immediately arrested?
I don’t have anything against amputees – I hang with stubbies. Some of my best friends are limbless hulks. But I don’t consider their nubs a fetishistic device.
Why can’t you people stick to something normal in their google searches, like “Orange Julius Porn“.
[If I say Amputee Pussy again, do you think our search ranking will get better?]
Posted in Site News | 1 Comment »
Date: Thu, Jan 8, 2009 at 6:12 PM
Subject: What!!
To: l0rdp0ng@coastertoast.com
Posted in Pick-Ups | 2 Comments »
Date: Thu, Jan 8, 2009 at 3:49 PM
Subject: What Happened?
To: l0rdp0ng@coastertoast.com
Posted in Pick-Ups | No Comments »
Date: Tue, Nov 18, 2008 at 6:43 PM
Subject: Hello sexy
To: coolbananas@coastertoast.com
I baked you cookies – they’re in my pants.
Maybe if you want to meet up anytime soon, we can have a tea party…
;)
I have no idea what the implication is here. Are the tea party and the cookies related? Is it that the tea party is going to take place in the pants in question? Did the cookies get baked while actually IN the pants? So many questions.
One thing’s for certain: This chick made cookies for someone she just met. I hope they didn’t go to waste. I fucking LOVE cookies.
Posted in Pick-Ups | No Comments »
We have a team of magical unicorn riding cybernetic soul crushers working 'round the clock for your sick little whims. This is what they do.
They do it for you.
They get the email and for whatever reason - maybe they're drunk, maybe they're damaged, maybe they're just good, old fashioned, corn pone country stupid - they keep responding.
Are you in here? I hope so.