January 8th, 2009 - Clarence
One of the most frequent requests we get here at the Coastertoast HQ is to post the initial emails sent to our service – the ones where you guys make yourselves look like total knee biters trying to pick up some goon that just gave you a fake email address.
We, until now, felt that the service was raw enough in it’s responsive state, posting only those emails from you bucketheads that whine about how hurt you are to a robot. This changes today, however.
The discussion went like this:
Clarence: Fuck ‘em. They keep sending goddamned test emails to the service. Some of them have phone numbers, addresses, blood types, you fucking name it!
Alabama: Listen, baby, you can’t do that. It’s just not right. You’re not being fair.
Clarence: What? It’s THOSE grab-ass pieces of donkey-doo that keep sending “test” and “asdf” to our service along with their ridiculously formatted business signatures! I think that the only…
Alabama: Clarence. Post them all. Just post everything we get.
Clarence: Anything you say, ‘Bama. You really do taste like a peach.
Alabama: You’re so cool.
So – there’s a new category over there to your right. It is called “Pick-Ups” and it will likely contain some shit that will make you laugh milk out of your nose. Even if you aren’t drinking milk.
Keep your eyes peeled like potatoes.
Posted in Site News | No Comments »
January 6th, 2009 - Clarence
Well looky here. ‘Bama and I got the monkeys to add a “News” section. I guess that means we’ll have to be putting all types of updates and information in there for you primitive screw-heads to consume. Frankly, it seems a lot more like work to me than I am willing to accept, but ‘Bama says it is 1-2-3 in the place to be.
How about this for starters: Coastertoast, now getting a bit popular, is grabbing up totally legit sounding domain names to tie into our network of heart-crushery. Soon enough you will be able to use any number of domains to plug a poor guy/gal right in the soul for daring to think he/she could step to the likes of you.
And you know what else? Custom rejection emails per domain. Yep. I said it.
Really, I did.
Posted in Site News | No Comments »
January 2nd, 2009 - Clarence
Ok, kids, here’s the spill: I get that you like the service we provide. I like it too. Seriously, it’s not only just that CT rocks – though it totally does – it is also that you fuckers are using the living shit out of it.
We here at the Coastertoast HQ have this big plasma screen right in the middle of the place that shows us every single one of the ass-handed emails that go through the system. Some are pleading confessions of love, some are backhanded requests to never speak again and some are nice, enticing flamebait from bucket-heads I just know are going to turn to jack and razors on receipt of their very own Coastertoast blast-to-the-face.
Some, however, really piss me off.
I am speaking directly to you, dude/lady who sends “test” to our service with your own fucking email address.
You don’t need to test the service. It fucking works. If you want the email contents, there’s a page for that here, shitstain.
As an act of frustration, I am going to post your email addresses, all of you who feel the need to test our services on yourselves. I’ll make a special category just for you.
Deal? I don’t give a shit. Deal.
Posted in Site News | No Comments »
November 15th, 2008 - Clarence
Date: Thu, Nov 13, 2008 at 10:54 PM
Subject: RE: Hello
To: youvebeenserved@coastertoast.com
Oh my gosh! That is so funny. Almost as funny as the fact that the guy had only one leg. ONE LEG! EWWWWW! The only reason I even asked for an email was so that he wouldn’t think that I was prejudice against icky one leggeds. Hey, I’m not complaining. I’m glad the disgust is mutual. Now I dont have to sit through his boring stories about his grandma and how sitting to pee, because he has only one leg, makes him feel like less of a man. Good one.
I’d like to leave it at that. Just leave it there. There’s funny in there, so it seems like something I could get away with posting straight up and go back to the nefarious soul crushing activities that usually surround my Saturday afternoons, often referred to as “Splatterday” by those who know me.
Even so, I just can’t get away from the keyboard without pointing out that the premise here, that this broad asked Mr. McMissingleg for his email address as some sort of altruistic act – a karmic savings deposit, if you will, is stunted immediately by the fact that she did indeed WRITE an email to him, and did indeed include her full and complete name in said email. Dashing.
I’d also like to point out that, if you’ve been keeping up with the ‘toasts, there seems to be a string of the disabled using our fair service to fleece otherwise potential associates. I’d like to toss all of you cripples a big up for passing your pain on to the unknowing masses. Distribution of wealth, you know?
Wealth of hate.
Posted in Bitches Scorned | No Comments »
October 28th, 2008 - Alabama
Date: Tues, Oct 14, 2008 at 3:46 AM
Subject: I got an email
To: youvebeenserved@coastertoast.com
I suppose this is a pretty good summary of you: you get all the amputee pussy, so you think that you can prance through every situation like a ball, like you’re some GADDAM Prince Charming looking for his one-legged Cinderella. Why don’t you admit to the world you’re wearing it like a badge to disobey the basic rules of sex and partnerships? Fucking every girl in the area doesn’t make you qualify as a whole man, and those thighs are connected to someone who may or may not pity or sympathize with you because we all share a common disability of the heart. You’re going to realize one day that the real thing that you lost is your humanity, asswad.
Dear Coastertoasters,
Understand that I had to contemplate long and hard over whether or not I would post this one. This is your pretty standard fare when it comes to gushing. It’s a little flambouyant, if anything. But I have my reasons for putting this up:
1) Material has been lacking lately. It’s all two-word insults and confused babbling. Where all my creative-yet-hopeless chumps at, y’all?
2) I don’t really give a shit what part of society the email represents. Give us your disabled, your unfortunately overweight, your drug-addled and dysfunctional masses; you’re all the same to us.
3) “Amputee Pussy” ?!? I could have left out the rest of the email and only posted that. Coastertoasting GOLD, I tell you!
Posted in Bitches Scorned | 2 Comments »
October 3rd, 2008 - Alabama
Date: Thurs, Sept 10, 2008 at 2:50 PM
Subject: coffee
To: youvebeenserved@coastertoast.com
This has got to be the stupidest thing I have ever seen. In my whole life. I’ve lived fifty plus years, and this is the worst excuse for a whatever this is that I have ever known. So bad, and immature, and what alousy thing to spend your time on, I thought that you’d have more sense. Dumbest thing to ever be done in the whole of the human language.
Hold on there, Grandpa, don’t have a seizure. You may have been around when wheels were square, dinosaurs were kept as pets, and the “human language” was originated. But, lest you break something in the process, don’t be so quick to judge. The way things are going in this world, you’re bound to see far lamer things in your remaining time than our fair site.
Posted in Cocks Blocked | No Comments »
September 10th, 2008 - Alabama
Date: Tues, Sept 2, 2008 at 11:16 PM
Subject: neighborhood watch
To: youvebeenserved@coastertoast.com
I thought of you when I went to the hardware store today. 15 cents a screw.
Wondering what the original email was about? I’ll summarize it: this guy was asking unnamed other gentleman about his local crime rates. Nothing spectacular; nothing about sex or a meet up unless dude was using some sort of secret agent code. And then THIS one! Intruiging, no? If not, certainly hilarious. Keep ‘em coming, cock-bites!
Posted in Cocks Blocked | No Comments »
September 6th, 2008 - Clarence
Ok. New page turned. I am going to start posting incoming mail. Fuck it. It is just too good, and you – our adoring readership and users of Coastertoast, deserve it.
Check this business:
Date: Thur, August 28, 2008 at 7:23 AM
From: Bob [redacted] <[email redacted]>
Subject: Us
To: [supersecretfakeaddress]@coastertoast.com
Hay Baby
I think we should go out to night and maby i can go in (If You Know What I meen)
Love Bob
I hate you, Bob. I hate you. Can you feel it? Does it burn like the STD you’ll never have because you’ll never, ever, get laid?
This is what is happening to our people, isn’t it? The whole human population is turning into these weird freakish things with no ability to communicate beyond the most base and inane blathering – and it doesn’t even have the self respect to at least TRY to follow some sort of standard.
The capitalization in this drivel amazes me. The spelling is something a first grader, or a small dog on crystal meth, could make a more valiant attempt at and the subject matter…
My personal favorite, however, is the final declarative statement: Love Bob
No, Bob, I won’t love you. I’ll hate you. I’ll hate you like Khan hates Kirk. I’ll hate you like Jayne hates Jaynestown. I’ll hate you like Ripley hates Ash. I’ll hate you like Robocop hates Robocop 3.
My hate for you will forever be epic.
Posted in Cocks Blocked, Mouth Breathers | No Comments »
September 6th, 2008 - Clarence
We don’t normally post the source emails – the ones fools send to your fake Coastertoast address – because I feel that it’s not fair to rib on a guy/gal who just got faced fair and square by you evil bastards.
It’s usually the mouth breather that sends in a response to our this-email-address-is-fake-and-you’re-an-idiot email that we post and tear into. That’s because we here at Coastertoast feel that only the cream of the crop (or bottom of the barrel, if you like) deserve the one two punch of having their amorous attempts bashed and then having their dullard responses posted on teh intarwebz.
I have to make an exception, however, and I think you’ll agree that this has to be done. I am actually sort of stunned at this email:
Date: Sat, Sept 6, 2008 at 7:36 AM
Subject: hi
To: [supersecretfakeaddress]@coastertoast.com
Hey betch, did you honestly think I was dumb enough to not know that papernapkin was made into coastertoaster?
Well, thanks for last night anyway.
So long and good riddance.
Let’s examine, shall we?
Firstly, what the fuck is a betch? Let’s assume that this hair-lip was in some sort of drunken rage at the time that this was written and meant something that actual human beings have said at least once before in the entire span of history. We’ll give this a pass. Don’t worry, the remainder is where the money is.
Walk through this with me: You wrote an email to an email address that you KNEW was a fake email address. You wrote an email to this address telling the autoresponder robot that you weren’t dumb enough not to know that Coastertoast resembles very closely a previous service that offers fake email addresses that fools write love letters to to get smacked in the face.
You didn’t write a snide insult to the Coastertoast crew, as we have gotten in the past, telling us how fucking stupid you think we are, you wrote an email to a fake email address to tell the person who gave you the fake email address that you know it’s a fake email address.
Are you fucking kidding me?
This is a joke. There are cameras hidden at Coastertoast HQ and this is all going to go on Youtube, isn’t it? There’s going to be a video of me spitting out a half chewed mouthful of eggs and bacon, shitting myself – really shitting myself, I mean with actual poop - and falling out of my chair in a seizure caused solely by the sudden understanding that someone as righteously stupid as the person behind this email exists.
This feeling is like what you’d imagine it to feel like if you met God and he peed in your mouth.
Thank you, original email sender – whose email address ends in .com.au – for reminding me that your entire continent is the result of England not wanting to deal with your specific and laser guided brand of dumbfuckerry.
Posted in Mouth Breathers | 1 Comment »
August 28th, 2008 - Alabama
Date: Tues, July 29, 2008 at 1:31 PM
Subject: corner of 13th and Pendleton
To: youvebeenserved@coastertoast.com
To Whom it May Concern:
The woman who gave me this email address, obviously a fake, side swiped me at the location in the subject of this email. She gave me a fake phone number, and this email address. I assume the name she gave me was also fake, because the police had no corresponding records when I called to report the accident and the fake information. Please pass this on the the administrators of this site and respond with the identity and actual contact information of the person who is signed up for this email address.
No one who knows me can deny that I revel in my characteristic bitchiness. That being said, I am not completely heartless. When we here at Coastertoast.com received this, we took it seriously. Granted, had this gentleman cared to read the first item on our FAQ, he would have realized that there is absolutely no way to provide the information he’s looking for. But in a situation such as this, we want to be as helpful as possible; we want to hurt people emotionally, not physically and financially. However, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool ol’ Alabama (like, 11am at least). There is only one “13th and Pendleton” to speak of in these here United States of America, and when I placed an inquiry regarding the aforementioned sideswiping to the local authorities, I was supremely surprised to find that nothing of the sort had been reported in that location since before the advent of this fine faking service. In other words, this guy got coastertoasted and figured he’d pull a fast one on us. That doesn’t sit too well with us. Clarence and I are what some might consider “connoisseurs of vengeance”, and this poor chap is about to have a taste of a finely crafted delicacy that we have chosen just for him. Consider yourself warned: don’t mess with the Worleys.
Posted in Crazies | No Comments »
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